From The Ashes Of Burnout

“Tracy, you are incredible at what you do!” 

“Tracy, your ability to get things done is insane. How do you do it?”

“Your capacity is unbelievable. I don’t know how you juggle everything all at once, and for so long, and do it so well. I wish I had half the stamina and focus you have.” 

Every time I heard a compliment on how “good” I was at doing life, I was motivated to do more and be better; produce more, set records, create new things, give more, achieve more, improve a time, crush goals, do more with less, etc. The list goes on and on. I am a person who is fueled by productivity and accomplishment. I am the epitome of a Type A personality. I THRIVE in success.  But, for years, I had a voice screaming  in the back of my head to slow down. I knew I was tired. I knew I was losing focus. I was becoming irritable. I no longer was interested in my daily activities, my hobbies, socializing, or working. I was having memory issues. Everything became a “have to.” I would take a day off to try to get some “rest” and would end up sick the next day. I didn’t know why all of my rest days turned into sick days. I had a problem and didn’t know what to do about it. 

I started talking to people close to me about my exhaustion and over and over I heard, “Tracy, you should just rest. Take some time off.” I wasn’t interested in that idea, so I started exploring solutions on my own. First, I hired a coach. I was so unfocused and distracted and needed someone to bounce ideas off and help organize my scattered thoughts. Maybe I just needed accountability to get going again. Why couldn’t I keep a single thought straight? She introduced me to the concept of burnout, suggested I start taking some time to myself, and recommended putting some boundaries in place. It was a process, but over the course of six months or so, I quit working weekends and started coming home from work by 6 pm nightly. I started saying “no” to some work, and to people who blatantly didn’t respect my boundaries. I “accomplished” setting boundaries by moving my personal commitments during the work week, so I could fit in the demand for my time. I cancelled yoga sessions, dog walks, hikes, and mountain bike trips I normally did in the morning before starting work. I figured I was tired anyway and getting work done during the week was what I was trying to do, so I could accomplish my goal of not working weekends, In my mind, I was really making some big changes. When I rolled into the house at 6 pm, I would  transition to “home” mode and “force” relaxation by pouring myself a glass of wine, eating dinner, and hanging out with the family. I had time available after dinner and I didn’t know what to do with it, so I would have another glass of wine to alleviate the anxiety I was feeling. I was sure I should be doing something, calling someone, or following up on a project. Why was it so quiet. in our house? After a few glasses of wine, I felt relaxed and went to bed. Soon, I found myself staying up as late as I could, because I didn’t want to get up the next day and do it all over again. If I just zoned out and watched TV for a few more hours, I would gain a few more hours of “relaxation.” 

That same year, I took eight trips. Friends and family suggested I take time to myself and away from work, so I traveled as much as I could. I went to Reno, Los Angeles, Birmingham, and St Louis on work trips for training and growth in my industry. I could have taken the courses online, but traveled so I could “get away” for a week each time. I went to Nashville, TN and to Las Vegas, NV for social trips with people I love and cherish. I went to Orlando, FL with my best friend for a “rejuvenation” trip where we attended an inspiring and uplifting training conference. Lastly, I went to Costa Rica with my family for 10 days to explore another country and stay in a “wellness” retreat center, so I could have some balance between fun and relaxation. My intention was to get “recharged” after a fast paced, chaotic and overstimulated previous 6 years of selling real estate, managing a brokerage, and building a real estate investment portfolio. On all of these trips, I spent some time alone, drank excessively, and experienced new things. Travel is good for the soul, and these trips were so good….until I got home and the world was still noisy, people were still pulling me every direction, and my life was still every bit as chaotic. 

In September of that year, I decided I wanted to take some time off work because nothing was alleviating the anxiety, depression, stress, or feeling of overstimulation I was experiencing constantly. I planned to step back from selling real estate temporarily and fire up the creative side of my brain. My coach had been educating me on the feminine versus masculine energy and suggested I try to tap into the feminine divine to balance out my energy. I decided I wanted to write a book and thought I would do that from home 4 days per week and spend one day a week in the office, so I could be available to my agents. It was a great plan, but I found myself too anxious to stay home, too distracted by my own mind to focus on writing, and too stressed about trying to balance supervising the brokerage, writing a book, and selling real estate. Yep, I tried to stop selling, but ended up taking “just one” client, then “just one more” client. At that point, I was selling, supervising, project managing, and now…writing a book. I alleviated the stress by trying to add exercise back into my schedule because it had always been my stress relief. This was a grand idea, except I generally didn’t feel like getting out of bed early because I stayed up late “zoning out” and had a wine headache. I didn’t want to workout in the evenings because I was too stressed and exhausted by the time I got home at 6 pm. Instead, I poured myself a beer or a glass of wine and went to bed early. 

This pattern continued the entire year. In November things slowed down naturally in my business because of the holiday season. I was still “taking a break” to write a book, but hadn’t written since the beginning of October and instead was filling my day with any busy work that came my way. I had no real agenda, wasn’t getting much done, wasn’t able to rest, wasn’t wanting to do anything, and was starting to lose hope in everything. This slow time started to get really quiet. My husband was working, my daughter was at school, my agents and staff were working and I was alone. I got sick and forced myself to stay home for a few days and things got REALLY quiet. One day the silence got to me, so I turned on a podcast. The episode was about manifestation and meditation. Something outside of myself gave me a gentle nudge to pay attention to the content. I listened intently then participated in the guided meditation at the end. Something in me shifted. That five minutes of peace was like a warm bath for my soul. I couldn’t get enough. 

The Universe/God/The Higher Power/Mother Nature (whatever you label It) is a funny thing. It will speak to us gently and subtly for a while, but when we refuse to listen it will slap us in the face with an injury or illness, which forces us to pay attention. So, there I sat, finally acknowledging I had an issue at hand and finally ready to deal with it. At first, I wanted a timeline this exhaustion would take to recover from. I wanted a set amount of time to schedule myself to be “on break” for. I also wanted to have something “to do” while I was recovering, so I started plotting and planning for things to do to keep my mind busy. That is when the Universe (as I refer to it) whispered, “Or not.” Maybe I could simply take a break with no deadline. Maybe I could not do anything for as long as it takes. Healing is slow on purpose. It forces us to sit and reflect. It makes us deal with the real issue. The longer I was trying to take Tylenol for a broken leg, the longer I was going to have to sit with a broken leg, which was causing more damage in the end. The longer I kept trying to put a bandaid on my huge open gash, the more bandaids I would have to keep applying to a wound that wasn’t healing. It was time to sit in the quiet for as long as it took and deal with the real issue at hand. The issue was my chaotic life. The issue was my inability to put myself first and take care of my health and well being. The issue was that I was not living my purpose, and I knew it. 

I wasn’t good at meditating yet, but I was starting to feel some relief, so I started meditating daily. Sometimes, multiple times a day. I also went back to yoga and started really focusing on the breath work and meditative elements of my practice and felt additional relief. I stayed home alone every chance I got. I sat with myself for days on end and embraced the quiet and the peace. I focused on the simple things, searched for reasons to be grateful in my life, and disconnected from my phone as much as possible. I read everything I could get my hands on. I listened to endless podcasts about personal growth, spirituality, and wellness. I avoided social situations any time I could. Finally, on December 24th, I also made the decision to set down alcohol.

I was ready to be done with real estate, but didn't know how to let go. I was too proud to walk away. I had been mentally done for years, but couldn’t detach myself from it. I had created an amazing business, was well respected in my industry, and made great money. I was in constant conflict because I wasn’t enjoying selling real estate anymore and I also knew I was meant to do more. Just like drinking alcohol, zoning out in front of the TV, and taking multiple trips throughout the year was an escape from my life, selling real estate was a safety net for comfort. I was safe because I made good money. I was safe because I knew what I was doing. I was safe because my entire identity was wrapped up in selling real estate. At that point, I was not living in purpose, though. I was living for the money and money is only a resource. If we chase money, fame, status, or other superficial things, they become a distraction that gets in the way of us finding our true purpose. At that point, I made a commitment to stop selling real estate and work towards what the voice from the Universe was guiding me towards. Life is a book, not a chapter and the Universe was suggesting I had another chapter left to write.

Burnout was a true blessing for me. It was a wake up call. As we heal from an injury, an illness, or a trauma, we should always seek meaning. This is where we grow and find purpose in our pain. During my time of healing, I searched for meaning. Why had I come to this point in my life? Why was I suffering from this relentless exhaustion? My life was absolutely amazing and most would do anything to be where I was in life. Why wasn’t it “enough” for me? What was wrong with me? What was I supposed to do with the rest of my life? I searched my mind for answers, but these kind of answers don’t come from the mind. They come from something bigger than us. How we receive guidance is different for each person. I began to receive answers through signs, little voices during mediation or on hikes, and through various synchronicities. The Universe was guiding me to my next thing in life and gently whispered over and over again, “let it go", “all is well”, “rest”, “you are meant for more”, “tell your story”. I was being guided by a higher power and my eyes were wide open. From the ashes of burnout blossomed my path towards purpose, which is right here in this moment. Are you working towards your purpose?